If he has sex with someone OTHER than you, it sends alerts to your phone!
Worried your man might be cheating? Then have we got the set of microchips for his penis and your vagina! Commit-Tech (a most likely fake company) has announced a November launch for a product designed to stop cheaters in their semen-covered tracks.
Just get your guy to slip this chip into the tip of his penis (here is where I started laugh-crying and never stopped). Then, put a similar chip in your vulva, download the Commit-Tech app to your smartphone and presto, sexo, you’ve got constant access to his doodle and all of its activities.
The device claims that if the penis with said chip in it has sex with a hole that does not have the corresponding chip inside of it, it will send an alert to your phone.
Can you imagine being at work, leaning in hard and leading a meeting about last month’s numbers and your phone vibrates. You glance down, adjusting your sensible Meroni suit jacket and see “TREVOR IS PORKING SOME STRANGER” flashing on your screen.
Then you’re like “Again with this, Trevor?” And you get distracted and botch the meeting and now you’ll never be CFO all because of Trevor, his penis, and high tech phone science.
This story smells totally fake, but it’s not outside the realm of what’s possible. Until popular science comes up with a way of making penile microchip insertion pleasant and totally not suspicious, those worried that their partners are stepping out on them can do what all paranoid girlfriends have done since the advent of smartphones: Track his assusing a GPS.
There is another alternative measure you can take if you suspect that your dude is cheating. You could be like “Hey, we need to talk, I’m feeling like there is some cheating happening.” What’s great about doing this is that every single man on planet earth when confronted this way will respond with: “WHAT? ME? CHEAT? NO? YOU’RE CRAZY!”
The good news is that because men are as transparent as sheets of the finest rice paper, you’ll be able to glean from his own rendition of this response whether or not it is true and proceed from there.
If you think your dude is cheating, the truth is almost inconsequential.
The fact that you’re feeling insecure in the relationship is what matters. It’s a sign there’s shit that needs to be addressed. I’m sorry to say there is no penile microchip that can miraculous heal your own trust issues.